family and war

my brother is looking down the barrel of a tour in Afghanistan. he has already been to Iraq, which is actually why he’s going to Afghanistan. he signed up for a few more years while in Iraq. the army accepted this from him. at the time, he would tell me that he couldn’t imagine coming back to the US, that coming home was what scared him. the army capitalized on this fear, and now he is heading to Afghanistan soon.

i can’t think clearly about this because he is my brother and i am too mad. to me, he was clearly not in a state to be able to sign a new contract. but he’s not going to fight the contract. no, he’ll fight a war instead. my own fear and loyalty makes me want to fight this fight for him but i won’t because he is a grown man. what can i do?! i need steps to take.

i want him home and making those next plans and taking next steps in his life. i don’t want to worry or to remember to worry or to forget to worry enough. worry is where a lot of my personal superstitions manifest; you should see me on an airplane.

i don’t think my outrage is only personal. if someone else told this to me, i would have the benefit of being angry without the frustration of needing and being unable to do anything. the best i can do is tell him, “if you feel the need to re-up while on tour again, do us all a favor and at least wait until you get back home.” and hope and wait for him to return safely.

Published by creatingcarrie

writer, performer, misadventurist, catmom, the silly aunt, and lawyer. i'm not very good at being still.

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