My mamaw passed away today. She was 80 years old. She had Alzheimer’s and leukemia, and it is with the latter that she likely lost her fight. She was married for nearly 60 years, had 6 children, 24 grandchildren, and 10 great grandchildren. I am the oldest of those grandchildren, and today I feel so lucky to have known my grandmother for 31 years. Her passing was something that we knew was coming, probably this year, but today, I am not feeling relief that we won’t have to watch her waste away they way we had to with her sister who died of the same disease. I am sad and feeling stuck in New York when I want to be home in Texas with all of my family around me. Continue reading
I am currently in Beijing, China. This summer I am literally traveling around the world. Yesterday, I flew from NYC to Beijing. The car picked up me and a friend at 5:20AM and we arrived at our hostel in Beijing at 6:30PM. If you can do the math on how long we traveled, do tell. I do not have the brain for it, though I think it’s more than 24 hours. Continue reading
Continuing the previous post and comments and conversations about self-care and managing it
I worry about burnout. I don’t worry about it a lot, but I can usually tell when I’m feeling it because that’s when the worry starts to creep in. It’s the preview before the full-on exhaustion. It’s the days/weeks/months of denial that I haven’t been putting myself first in my work. It, positively, usually ends in a vacation, in all senses of the word. Last time I went to Guatemala for two weeks. No technology at hand. Just air and sky and people and a really good friend at my side to laugh and share with. Feeling deeply that this is what life should be. Understanding that my own privilege allows me this escape. But that’s another conversation. Continue reading
The last New Year’s resolution I made was never to make another resolution. It’s been pretty easy to keep that one. I do tend to start new things on January 1, but that has more to do with the cleanness and easiness of starting on that date. For instance, today is 2 years sober for me.
I was thinking last night about resolutions and about how to reconfigure them to be positive, fun and silly. Something more akin to a dare than a weight-loss goal. In 2011, I am going to attempt to use the phrase “Cheese it, the fuzz!” in a conversation. It has to make at least a little bit of sense in the context.
It’s not a resolution, it’s a newsolution! Or something else. I’m not committed to the name. Leave your own ideas in the comments. Let’s dare each other a silly new year.
I’ve been dealing with some slight insomnia lately. Mostly this means that I go to bed around 11PM but I’m lying awake until after 1AM. It wouldn’t be a problem, except that I get up at 7AM. Okay, my alarm goes off at 7AM. I get up by 8AM (Side note: I have a great alarm clock that lets me choose my snooze time – between 10 minutes and 1.5 hours. It’s definitely dangerous some days, but I love it). Continue reading
my brother is looking down the barrel of a tour in Afghanistan. he has already been to Iraq, which is actually why he’s going to Afghanistan. he signed up for a few more years while in Iraq. the army accepted this from him. at the time, he would tell me that he couldn’t imagine coming back to the US, that coming home was what scared him. the army capitalized on this fear, and now he is heading to Afghanistan soon.
i can’t think clearly about this because he is my brother and i am too mad. to me, he was clearly not in a state to be able to sign a new contract. but he’s not going to fight the contract. no, he’ll fight a war instead. my own fear and loyalty makes me want to fight this fight for him but i won’t because he is a grown man. what can i do?! i need steps to take.
i want him home and making those next plans and taking next steps in his life. i don’t want to worry or to remember to worry or to forget to worry enough. worry is where a lot of my personal superstitions manifest; you should see me on an airplane.
i don’t think my outrage is only personal. if someone else told this to me, i would have the benefit of being angry without the frustration of needing and being unable to do anything. the best i can do is tell him, “if you feel the need to re-up while on tour again, do us all a favor and at least wait until you get back home.” and hope and wait for him to return safely.